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Stop Caring So Much (It’s Ruining Your Life)

Look around.

Everyone is stressed out of their minds.

We all want to achieve big things, but it is becoming infinitely more difficult to focus on those big things… so they never get done.

Our mind is flooded with:

  • The risk of pursuing your own goals instead of the ones your parents (or friends, or partner, or boss) want for you.
  • Being told what to care about – skills to learn, countries to support, foods to avoid – by people with goals that don’t align with your own.
  • Thoughts about the job you have to show up to, how much time you are going to waste, and all of the things you won’t be able to do.
  • What people will think if you decide to go your own way and take control of your life. What will they think?

These are not easy thoughts to deal with.

If your friends or parents don’t support you – or even try to stop you – that can become incredibly painful. You may lose people from your life. You may lose a part of your identity. That hurts.

The problem is that they don’t know what you know.

They haven’t been exposed to the same information, education, and potential, so they don’t see the opportunity.

Their mind is still programmed with beliefs that serve their outdated goals. It’s difficult for them to believe that your new endeavor will work out because all they know to be possible is what they’ve done.

Parents are very good at this.

They were assigned goals at birth. They pursued those goals and saw results. Their identity was shaped, and so was their mind.

If they don’t continue expanding their minds into adulthood, their minds harden. Things that don’t align with what they know don’t make sense, and people hate what they don’t understand.

This is the first realization you must make:

Nobody is going to give you permission to do what you want.

They weren’t exposed to the information you were.

They don’t have the story that you are telling yourself.

Unless they are developed enough to open their mind to that story, you have to jump out of the nest at some point and trust that you can learn to fly.

Even further, you only have so much focus you can invest in your goals each day.

It’s no wonder why people live in a constant state of stress.

We can’t focus.

We pay too much attention to the goals of others to the point of having zero attention left for our own.

As soon as we wake up, we grab our phones and flood our minds with news, advice, doomsday predictions, and people doing better than us. The only way to find relief is to keep scrolling to make ourselves feel like we are making progress.

The mind craves order. That’s why you feel terrible.

Your attention is not focused on a singular vision for the future so potent that distractions cannot penetrate it.

You only have one option.

Feel deep into your situation.

Realize where your life will end up if you keep going down this path.

Become absolutely fed up with the lack of progress you are making.

Use that negative energy to laser in on the meaningful goal you’ve been putting off… you know, the inner voice that keeps nagging at you.

  • “You were meant for more than this.”
  • “You have what it takes to be successful.”
  • “You don’t have to end up like the rest.”

Seriously, feel into your situation. Stop avoiding it. You have to add to the gravity of what you want to achieve.

The pain of not achieving your goals must outweigh the pain of living a comfortable life.

You must remove the distractions numbing you from the pain of becoming who you were meant to be.

Discipline Comes From Clarity, Not Force

Most people don’t understand self-discipline.

It’s not something that’s supposed to be difficult.

It is the byproduct of knowing what you want and accepting nothing less from yourself. It is the byproduct of an ordered mind. That is, maintaining a clear vision for your future and filling clarity gaps with education and action.

The reason people struggle with self-discipline is because they get distracted from what matters.

  • They forget who they want to become.
  • They forget what they are capable of.
  • They forget the impact they want to have.

You aren’t disciplined because you aren’t the person who would seamlessly achieve the goal they set out to achieve.

Someone whose true identity is a bodybuilder doesn’t have difficulty eating healthy and going to the gym. They just do it.

Someone whose true identity is a writer doesn’t have difficulty blocking out time for idea generation, long walks, and writing.

Someone whose true identity is a gamer doesn’t have difficulty trolling people online, having a doomer mindset, and ruining their health in front of a screen for 8-10 hours a day.

The bodybuilder would see that lifestyle as a living hell. It would be close to impossible for them to adopt the gamer lifestyle without going insane and hating their life. They would be brutally aware of the goals they aren’t achieving.

Each identity has its tradeoffs. They each require sacrifices that allow them to achieve the goals they choose.

That leads us to our first step to becoming self-disciplined:

1) Removing Distractions

Ask yourself:

Do you know why you are doing what you are doing?

Have you asked yourself that question in the last month?

Why are you going to school? Working that job? Building that business? Doing that workout?

Was it your choice? Or was it a goal that was programmed into your head by your parents, friends, or culture?

Audit your life for goals you didn’t know you were pursuing.

Sit with a notebook and write down every single thing you are doing and why you are doing it.

If you don’t have a good answer, that is a distraction. You are wasting emotional energy on someone else’s dreams so you don’t have enough to pursue your own.

If you need help with clarity and are a fan of pen and paper, grab my FOCI Planner.

2) Life As A Game

I’ve been fascinated by the simple concept of anti-goals.

Anti-goals are not goals that you don’t want to achieve.

They are the sacrifices you are not willing to make to achieve a goal.

As an example, if I want to build a billion-dollar company, what am I not willing to sacrifice to get there?

Most people who have such lofty goals pay little regard to what they lose along the way: their health, their family, and their sanity.

On the other hand, I know it’s possible to build that billion-dollar company while being healthy, having good relationships, and maintaining my mental health.

Yes, it will take a lot more time and work, but what else is there to do? Let your life burn in front of you because you didn’t have the restraint or discipline to carry more than one responsibility?

That’s the beautiful thing about anti-goals. They turn life into a fun game.

They check many boxes for flow – the main characteristic that makes us addicted to video games.

  • Challenge – A goal that is within reach and tests your skill.
  • Skill – If your skill is too low for the challenge, you get anxious. If it is too high, you get bored, indicating that you need to choose a greater or lesser challenge rather than give up.
  • Clarity – A hierarchy of greater to lesser goals makes it easier to start moving toward your vision for the future.
  • Feedback – You know exactly when you are making progress and that feels good. You don’t feel trapped in a cycle of repetitive tasks that lead to nowhere.
  • Rules – Rules or boundaries frame how you perceive the world. Your mind has more space to notice information that aids in the achievement of your goals.

When you turn your life into a game, you become obsessed with progress.

3) Reinventing Yourself

All change is behavior change.

All behavior change is identity change.

So, all change is identity change.

You are what you repeatedly do.

You are disciplined toward the goals that live in your head rent-free at this very moment.

You don’t find it difficult to lay in bed, watch Netflix, and play video games all day.

For many high-performers, that is the most difficult thing in the world. They can’t imagine doing that. The pain of not making progress toward the goals that make them who they are would eat them alive.

With that, your journey will be painful.

You are letting your old self die off.

You won’t want to shed the beliefs and habits that are holding you back.

That is step one. Awareness that difficulty is a good sign. A sign to keep going.

The second step is reprogramming your mind to operate toward new goals that create a new identity.

  • Throw yourself into a new environment that aligns with who you want to become.
  • Drown your mind in ideas, information, and education that expose you to new goals and ways to achieve those goals.
  • View every situation through the perspective of your ideal lifestyle and make decisions accordingly.

Throw yourself into the deep end and teach yourself to swim.

Most people won’t take that leap out of fear.

That’s why we need to talk about self-confidence.

An Unconventional Path To Becoming Self-Confident

My life changed when I started writing.

Not just writing in a private journal – which is incredibly helpful – but a public one toward a big goal for my future.

Writing helped me become confident in my thoughts and life direction by:

  • Being exposed to public criticism, forcing me to audit my beliefs.
  • Finding friends and connections with shared goals so I stopped feeling like an outcast.
  • Practicing a skill and seeing progress with it every single day.
  • Failing often to keep me humble and give me new direction that I wouldn’t have normally found.

Writing is not the only way to develop self-confidence, but people get writing all wrong.

They think it’s some type of skill or hobby.

They don’t see it as the thing that makes us human.

We are the only species that can pass down information by documenting knowledge with writing to help those who come after us avoid danger and evolve. Writing is why we make it so far as individuals and as a collective.

Writing started as carvings in caves and has become ideas on the internet.

The carvings were barely seen, but with the internet, you have the ability to change your life and the lives of thousands.

Writing is the intersection of purpose and profit. Don’t underestimate that power.

1) Deconstruct Your Goal

You aren’t confident because you haven’t invested in your portfolio of failures.

You’ve spent too much time residing in the comfort of other people’s paths in life.

You’ve failed to break free from the masses, think for yourself, set your own goals, and achieve them regardless of how long it takes.

You aren’t confident because you don’t have results in anything aside from what’s already been done.

Sit with your thoughts.

What do you really want out of life?

Is it the same boring path as everyone else?

No?

Then the only option is to:

  • Pay attention to what you don’t want in life by observing the actions of most people and where those lead.
  • Do the opposite of everyone else if you want to achieve something more out of life.
  • Think about your future and deconstruct it into goals you will have to achieve and actions you will have to take.
  • Educate yourself every single day with material that will help you achieve those goals.
  • Block out time for focused work to build out your vision for the future.

Then, start.

Self-confidence comes from doing what you think is uncomfortable, over and over again, and realizing it wasn’t that bad in the first place.

2) Start A Business

If you truly think about what you want in life, starting a business is not optional.

You want autonomy, work you enjoy, and to have an impact on the world so you can fulfill your human need to be a valuable contribution to humanity.

A business is not some capitalistic pursuit to own a private jet and mansion.

A business is how you solve problems.

A business is how you build something of your own.

A business is how you contribute to humanity through value exchange.

A business is how you take back control of your life.

A business is how you develop self-confidence in your interests and expertise.

Most people are programmed to have a negative reaction to the word “business.”

“It’s too hard.”

“Money is evil.”

“It’s a superficial pursuit.”

And then they go on to do the hardest thing of all:

They hide from their desire to reach their potential, self-actualize, and self-transcend by demonizing anyone and anything that would compromise the comfort they don’t even know they are addicted to.

They continue to be a cog in the machine of a business that makes millions selling a product. They cry about how most businesses are unethical, yet they work for one, and don’t realize the only way to combat it is to start their own ethical business.

They say it’s superficial, yet they distract their mind whenever they have the time. They never escape the surface. They never see business as the vessel to dive into the depths that life has to offer on the unknown path.

A business is the storefront of your value.

It is the public display of yourself, your goals, and your values.

Businesses are an extension of yourself.

3) Write In Public

Writing is a superpower.

  • You can achieve your goals faster.
  • You can attract like-minded people.
  • You can start with zero experience.
  • You become comfortable with people seeing your ideas.

And, writing is the foundation of media.

Everything you see online from posts to videos to advertisements start with writing.

Media is where the attention is.

If you want to do anything worthwhile in life, you will need your own source of attention.

You can no longer rely on your boss to generate attention, attract customers, and assign you some measly work for a set amount of money to fulfill the product or service to those customers.

You must do all of the above.

Writing in public is the first step for beginners who don’t have capital or experience.

Writing is a zero-barrier-to-entry business model that allows you to build an audience for anything you are interested in.

  • Choose 2-3 topics to write about, topics you want to learn about, build a name for yourself in, and turn into a meaningful career.
  • Learn through observation. Watch what other’s in those topics are writing about, how they write about it, and why they say things the way they do.

If you think, “I could have wrote this,” then write about it… you don’t need permission on the internet.

If you don’t know where to start, consider enrolling in 2 Hour Writer.

4) Make New Friends

Mastermind:

Multiple minds working together to achieve a shared goal.

In the past, you needed to work hard for connections to make your business a success.

Now, you have access to anyone with the click of a button.

Your success is no longer determined by your socioeconomic status and physical location.

It is determined by who you are connected to and the opportunities they can pass off.

How do you find these connections?

Have a goal you want to achieve.

How do you attract people to that goal?

Starting a business with a mission to achieve that goal.

How do you get in front of well-connected people?

Writing in public to spread your ideas.

What does this have to do with self-confidence again?

Well, it’s kinda obvious.

You won’t develop confidence if you don’t push beyond your limits and fail.

A goal, business, and writing – in that order – are how you continue to repeat this process to infinity. There are no limits except for the ones you place on yourself.

You will eventually hit a ceiling in a job. Someone is in charge of the limits you can reach.

If you aren’t hopping on the evolution train with technology, AI, and the internet by “opening up shop” in virtual reality (the internet and social media) they will make you obsolete.

You make friends by showing up online and talking to people.

Just like you would at a party.

On the internet, you increase your social proof with your brand and ideas.

Outside of the internet, you increase your status with cars, looks, and material acquisitions.

It’s obvious which one leads to a better life.

After 4 years of writing, I can message almost anyone and work with them if I have what they want.

As an example, Gordon Ramsey follows me.

I don’t know what I would need from him, but who knows, something could come of it down the road.

4) Publish Your Work

To understand confidence we must understand stories.

Stories = transformation.

You aren’t confident because you are trapped in someone else’s story. You don’t have a chance to transform into who you were meant to become.

You don’t have full control over your ability to escape the low point of the story, reach the climax, and have a happy resolution.

The path out of a low point is trial and error, the essence of life itself.

Your first attempt at writing will suck.

Your first attempt at launching a product will suck.

Your first attempt at making friends will suck.

The reason 99% of people are cripplingly unconfident is because unconsciously think you just become confident without doing anything that breeds a more stable form of confidence.

Confidence is improvement.

Publish your writing and be called an idiot.

Publish your product and collect the negative feedback.

Put yourself out there and let people expose your flaws.

Only then, once you are aware of the problem, can you know what to improve.

You can’t improve what isn’t published.

You can’t improve if you aren’t aware of the problem.

Dying in your dark hole of comfort prevents you from both.

The longer you decide to stay there, the longer it will take to develop confidence.

You can read this and do nothing with your life because you “don’t know enough to start.”

Or you can finally take the leap and dedicate your life to learning and building rather than expecting everything to be given to you.

That’s it for today.

Enjoy the rest of your week.

– Dan

Who Is Dan Koe?

I am a writer & brand advisor for 7-8 figure creators, influencers, and social media brands. I am obsessed with dissecting human potential, lifestyle design, and one-person businesses.

When You’re Ready, Here’s How I Can Help You:

The FOCI Planner

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The Art Of Focus Book

Find meaning, reinvent yourself, and create your ideal future. Now available on Amazon.

The 2 Hour Writer

Implement Our 2 Hour Content Ecosystem To Learn High Impact Digital Writing, Boost Your Online Authority, & Systemize Content Creation For Rapid Growth

Mental Monetization

Monetize your creative work with a digital product that sells while you sleep. Turn your knowledge, skills, and interests into a meaningful income.